Gestbook Riseingsouthernstar-Africa Radio Eendrag

South African Jokes



To the South African Joke Corner



Here is a selection of South African Jokes.  If you have any good jokes to
offer, please pass them on.  Please keep all jokes in good taste.

You Can Send them to me by E-mail,Thankyou..
damiande@web.de  

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Van in Paris
Van goes to the top house of ill repute in Paris.
      He goes up to the Madam and asks,.. "I want your best girl !!".
The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs.
      Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
      The Madam is absolutely astounded,  as that this has never
happened before, but never the less she sends up her second best girl.
      Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming,
"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
      The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced
everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must
go upstairs and service this client herself.
      Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs
screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"
      Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on.

      She replies, "  'e vants to pay me in Rands !!!"

The Priest

A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 
Picture 1                Picture 2
 
Picture 3                 Picture 4
 
Picture 5                 Picture 6

Picture 7

Van der merwe watching Rugby
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."

A German,Italian and Van Der Merwe

 
There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."



A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.


Why so many South Africans are moving to Australia

 

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting
Bondi Beach, Australia . He spotted a long line of black dots out in the
water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, "Meneer, what are
all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," replied the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net, mate," the Aussie told him.

"Fcking great country, this!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!"

Van der Merwe went to Australia
 on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback
pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile
Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar. Being a skeptical person by nature, Van stared at
this guy from head to toe, and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said:
"Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh??" Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc
boots" Van: "They don't look broken to me man!" Croc Dundee: "They're crocodile boots,
drongo!" Van: "Oh! Where can I get some?" Croc Dundee: "You just go down to the river and
get yourself a crocodile, mate, and then you got some boots!" Van thought this was a great
idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into
the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile,
back at the pub the guys were all standing at the verandah watching this spectacle. About 5
minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van's racket. As he
approached, Van turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others
on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing. An hour had passed when Van finally
grabbed the crocodile in a typical "boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank.
Before letting go, Van gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc
was out like a candle. Van was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonethe-
less, he was still hurt badly. Van laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he
managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before
finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch, and said: "Just my luck, a
crocodile without boots!"



MALEMA  comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

How do you recognize MALEMA  in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases

the board.

Once  MALEMA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast

announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
would
be hot.

MALEMA is in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

MALEMA : Why are all these people running?
Commentator: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
MALEMA:  If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
MALEMA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

MALEMA says to his ser van t: 'Go and water the plants!'
Ser van t: 'It's already raining.'
MALEMA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.

Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."


Reminds me of the time Van Der Merwe went to Durban for a holiday for
the first time in his life. As he was packing the vrou and the braai
into the Nissan bakkie, Van tonder, his ever caring neighbour said to
him 'Toe nou Van, jus pasop for those blerry Koelies. Man, they'll
rip you off blind and mos take the gold out of your teeth while you'se
talking to them nogal.

So ou Van says 'No, moenie worry nie man. I'm a man of the world and
nobody's gonna chaff me kak.

Anyway, ou Van and Tannie Van boek into the beach hotel and they only
have a lekker few days, before Van is taking a walk down Addington
Beach on the last day.

Now check, there's ou Bobbie Naidoo and he's mos gooieing the stick
into the sea for his dog (being that it's the Indian Ocean and all).
Now for all his being a man of the world who has been to Bloemfontein,
Windhoek (Okay so he took a wrong turn, but he blerry went all the
way) and Naboomspruit nogal, but Van's only bedonnerd when he sees
the dog run along the top of the waves and back with the stick.
So Van says to Naidoo, 'Ek se, my good Curry Muncher, how much for the
dog?'

So ou Bobbie, quick as a flash says 'Hundred Rand Boss'.
No hesitation, struse Bob, ou Van gives him the hundred and takes the
dog home with him.

Anyway, it's sundowners back at home and ou Van Der Merwe and Van
Tonder is sitting on the stoep at Tweebuffelsmosdoodmeteenskootgeskietsfontein (A/K/A Die Plaas) and the dog is sitting on the floor next to Van and Van says to Van Tonder 'He
Boet, kyk vir die' and he sommer goois the dam with a stick so it
lands in the middle. And the dog just takes off over the top of the
water and brings the stick back the same way.

Man, ou Van tonder just looks at his dop and says 'You bought that
brak off a koelie, ne?'

And Van says, 'Ja. So?'

'I told you you'd get ripped off. It can't blerry swim'



Koos van Der Merwe and Philemon
Koos van der Merwe and Philemon were a couple of drinking buddies, who
worked as aeroplane mechanics at Johannesburg international airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do. Koos said, " Jislike! China, I wish we had something to drink"

Philemon said, "Eischhhhh! me too. You know I have heard you can drink jet
fuel and get lekker stukkend. You want to try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and
got completely smashed.

The next morning Koos wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels great. No hangovers! No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings...it's Philemon!!!!

Philemon says, "Eischhhh, how do you feel this morning?"

Koos says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Philemon says, "I feel smooth ek sê my broooo. You don't have a hang over?"

Koos says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, ek sê my gabba, no hangovers,
nothing!!! We ought to do this more often"

"Ya, well there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't!!, 'cos I'm in Cape Town ek sê."

Doctors Waiting Room
Embarrassment

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The Good , the Bad and the real Ugly


Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.


Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several por n n movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.


Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.


Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.


Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hoooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do

A Knock at South African Crime

n Boer maak 'n plan, maar 'n "Coloured" maak MAGIC
An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clemence, who used to help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Clemence,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.

Love,
Clemence

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love

Clemence."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grand children.
Love, your son, John.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you!
Please Call when it is safe for me to come home.



Joke of the Day: The Husband and the Coke machine

 

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem is who should get custody of the child. The wife jumps up and says: “Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in your defence?” The man sits for a while contemplating, then slowly rises. “Your Honour, if I place R5 in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it – the machine’s or mine?”

 
A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

No be small Wahala

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got
married.
"Later my father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also,my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. "This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own son's grandfather! And you think you have family wahala


 

 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. 

 

The Woman And The He-Goat

A preacher notices a woman in the congregation who begins to weep as soon as he begins to preach. Thinking he has made a big catch he preaches with even greater fervour. The more he preaches, the more the woman cries.
Finally, the preaching over, it is time to give testimonies. The preacher points to the woman and says, “Sister, I can see you were mightily moved as we proclaimed the word of God. Now can you please share with us what it was that convicted your spirit so much.”
The woman hesitates, but the pastor insists so she comes up and takes the microphone. “You see,” she begins, “Last year I lost my he-goat, the most precious thing I possessed. I prayed and cried much over it and then I forgot all about it. But as soon as you came out to preach and I saw your beard, it reminded me all over again of the he-goat. I still cry whenever I remember it.” She did not remember one word of what the preacher said.

Hunting Joke  

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, a couple of pellets going right through the p..nis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't p..ss in your eyes."


Joke of the Day

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"


A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, a couple of pellets going right through the p..nis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't p..ss in your eyes."

The Speed Ticket


A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for,
particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a
disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower to avoid Aids, I look
in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Then I sumtimes miss de texi
and then I am late."

His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to
sneak into Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without
Philemon's knowledge.

The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens
the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to
explain his reasons for not attending work.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid Aids, I look in
de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"

Knock knock...who's there? Amos...Amos who?....
 A mosquito! bwa hahahahahhaha

This has got to be the lamest joke I have in my book of jokes. Silly, stupid, sooo lacking in....iets! I must say I've heard alot of silly jokes in my time that I just don't care to remember but this remains one of those I don't mind retelling. Yes, yes, I know...people have better things to do than listen to such crap.

Well, crap is exactly what I feel like today. I have had the crappiest week of my life and I need to ease up! Please indulge your girl with doses of laughter cos I sure as hell need to exercise my lungs and cheeks! I really don't mind laughing so much that my stomach hurts....I just would like to LAUGH!

And remember what they say....luaghter is contagious...so PLEASE SHARE!


 Sipho asked his mother

 "Mama, sefebe ke eng?" 

The mother "what? o e utlwile kae jaanong eo?

Sipho: Ke utlwile Papa a re Ntate Moruti o feditse difebe tsa mo....

Sipho's mother got very edgy and was like "Difebe ke magwenya, ngwanaka."

A few days later umama ka Sipho o na le meeting wa stokvel ko gagagwe. O apeile magwenya. 

So she told uSipho to just stay in his room a ska ba tshwenya. 

next thing meeting o tsweletse, Sipho o ntsha tlhogo mo monyako wa kamore... "Mama....."  he whispered.... "Mama......." 

And the mother just ignored him...

"Mama...." And the mother just continued ignoring him.


Yho.. little Sipho threw a tantrum... worse, it was hot so he didn't have anything on.


MAMA!! KE ENG NA? O ITSE O TLA MPHA DIFEBE TSE PEDI MOO KE TLE GO DI JELA  KA MO KAMORENG KA FA.!


What car do you drive???    (copy and paste)

 BMW | BRINGS ME WOMEN
|
|-----------+--------------------------------------------------------
--
--|
| FIAT | Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| FORD |
found on rubbish dump
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| HYUNDAI | Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

|
|-----------+------------------------------------------------------
--|
| VOLVO | Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
|
|-----------+--------------
--------------------------------------------
--|
| PORSCHE | Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| KIA | Kills In Accidents
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| OPEL | Old People Ending Lives
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| GOLF/GTI | Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
|
|-----------+----------------------------------------------------------
--|
| HONDA | Hanged Over, Now Driving Away


| POLO | Panties Off, Legs Open
|


*An airplane is flying over the ** United States** at night.
The pilot says:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says:

"We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin". The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people". There's a big gasp from the passengers! 

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... any Africans on board?" No one moves.
"B... any Blacks on board?" No one moves.
"C... any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.
"D... any Darkies?
A little black boy - asks his dad:
"Dad,...what are we?
Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus** !!! *




Good one keles ok here's one

There were 2 men one black one white sitting in a park  right,and the white man had a monkey with him and the black guy was selling bananas right,nature called the black dude he askes the other guy to pls watch his bananas while he is away ,he returned to find all his bananas gone  when he asked the guy what happened ,his answer was "ask your brother " pointing at the monkey ...............anyway his turn came he had to go so he also asked the black guy to watch his monkey right , he returned to find the monkey dead ,when he asked what happened the dude said butt out as*****  this is a family affair

Little Mphaka was sitting next to a corner alone not looking happy, the granny went over and asked what was wrong. Mphaka went " weitse koko golo fa ga ke tsewe sentle, fa ke rotela dikobo Mama wa nshapa mara every day ke mo utlwa a ntse a rotloetsa papa are ... rota tlhe rragobana...rota tlhe papa kana ke lapile" the granny fainted..! 
hi hih i LOL Hope it makes u laugh Kele..!

Translating

Mphaka went " weitse koko golo fa ga ke tsewe sentle, fa ke rotela dikobo Mama wa nshapa mara every day ke mo utlwa a ntse a rotloetsa papa are ... rota tlhe rragobana...rota tlhe papa kana ke lapile" the granny fainted..! >>>
Mphaka went on" I dont understanding...when I wet the blankets Mom beats me but i always hear her encouraging day to do the same same" come one daddy... do it am already geting tired" ( thats when they are jaiving in groove sha(gg)ck So the granny fainted.

ka tlhola ke tsogetswe letsatsi lotlhe>> i was H^r^^y the whole day.

*Holla 7,* *In the magistrate's court in Orlando East the other day I listened to Ma-7 giving evidence:* *"Besibuya e-Extension 3, siyi-5. Safika e-Orlando e-13. Bekungabo-11 ejampas. Safika sathi 4 ne jack. After si bloma 30 minutes ngaphuma ngayoshay'* *i- 6/9. Ngase ngihlangana nale-1. Mangithi 1, 2, ngiyibone seyi la..ipheth' i-38, ngathi fence."* *The magistrate interrupted and said:" Can somebody please get us a calculator. There are too many numbers involved here*

A father sends his son to France for his high school education;
unfortunately he does nothing but laze and booze,
learning absolutely nothing.
In the December holidays at home the father asks him "what's a knife
in French?" "La knife", he replies,
"A fork?" "La fork".
After a string of botched translations the father concludes:
"La wife, la Sjambok la bring, la dad la son la M O E R!!




Very Early on Monday morning Johnny recalls his weekend's fantasy about
his Teacher and he decides: He jots some few lines on a piece of
paper and passes to the student infront of him till it reaches the
teacher saying the following:

Message from Johnny: Tshwarelo morutisi, go disturb' class ya gago,
fela ke paletswe ke go itshwara. Ke lekile tota, tsela e o buang ka yona
le bontle jwa gago, ga ke kgone le go concentrate' Ke kopa tshwarelo
tota, mme o nshaya-ding-dong. Ke a go rata, ke go batla e le tota.

Teacher receives the note: and she SMILES
Johnny: Excited about the teacher's acknowledgement reading in-between
the lines that the teacher is impressed by his submission.

Teacher's note to Johnny:
JOHNNY, I'm flattered by your submission but sorry "ga ke batle bana"


Johnny responds: RE TLA-PREVENTA.....!!

Little Johnny mistakenly enters his parents' bedroom and sees his mother on her hands and knees with his father giving it to her from behind and slapping her on the ass. He sees Johnny and laughs, throws a cushion at him and says, "Get out."


A while later the father hears noises comin from Johnny's room and walks in to find Johnny shagging his gran from behind.


A shocked father screams," What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Johnny replies, "Not so f*cking funny when it's your mom, is it?"

OK, No Xeno business intended

A Nigerian, a Mozambican and a South African are sitting in a South African pub having a pint of beer. The Nigerian grabs his beer, downs it, throws his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins at the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and shouts: "In Nigeria we have so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice." The Mozambican then downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and says: "Heela, in Mozambique we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap, so we too, never drink out of the same glass twice." The South African finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Nigerian and Mozambican and says to the barman:

"In South Africa we have so many Nigerians and
Mozambicans that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."

Three guys worked in the same office as their male boss, and they
noticed
that the boss leaves work early every day. So they decided one day that
when the boss leaves, they would leave right behind him.

The coloured was thrilled to be home early. He did some gardening, played
with his son, and went to bed early.

The Sotho was elated to be able to do a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date.

The Zulu was happy to get home early and surprised his wife, but when he

got to the bedroom he heard a muffled noise from inside. He quietly open

the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss. So he
gently crept out of the house.

When the coloured and the Sotho planned to leave the next day, they asked
the Zulu if he would like to join them. "No way" he said, "I almost got
caught yesterday." 


ONE LADY WITH 3 NYATSIS, SAME DAY IN THE SAME HOUSE.
SHE WAS BUSY WITH THE FIRST ONE THEN THE OTHER NYATSI KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.
SHE ONLY TOLD HIM, HERE COMES MY HUSBAND, AND ASKED THE GUY TO GET
INSIDE EMPTY BAG OF 8OKG MAIZE MEAL,PLACE HIM BEHIND THE DOOR,
THEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR AND DO BUSINESS WITH THE ADA NYATSI.
WHILE BUSY, THE 3RD NYATSI KNOCKED AND ASK IF HE CAN COME IN, THE REPLY WAS "JUST A MOMENT"
SHE PREPARED THE GUY AND ASK HIM TO CARRY THE BAG BEHIND THE DOOR TO PRETEND AS IF HE WAS THERE TO FETCH THE PARCELS,
THE LADY WAS FREE THEN
THE POOR MAN ON HIS WAY WITH AN UNKNOWN HEAVY LOAD SAID :
" BOFEBE BO, NOU KE SITWA KE MORWALO O KE SA O ITSENG, SIS I HAVE TO STOP THIS,"
THE MAN REPLIED FROM BEHIND AND STILL INSIDE THE BAG,
WENA WARRA O KAONE KA GORE O BONA TSELA, GE ELENNA GA KE TSEBE LE GORE KE MO KAE.
HE FAINTED. 
 





 







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